Yeah, it's a silly title, what do you expect? I just got off work and my cocktail hasn't kicked in yet.
Most of you know that I've been in rehearsal for a show - it's my first musical in over a decade, and I'm ridiculously excited about it. It's not just the fact that it's a great part, or that I get to work with one of the most talented group of people I've ever been lucky enough to share a stage with. (Seriously, I'm not kidding on the talent part, these folks are freaky good!) For me, a large part of the excitement is that I feel like I'm finally FULLY back to who I am at my core.
Allow me to elucidate...
The last time I did a musical was 1999. I was (at that time) very happily married to Wyatts father, Wyatt wasn't conceived yet, John was in grade school and thriving, I was living in upstate NY, and working in a great job at the VA hospital. I had everything I'd ever wanted for myself - a family, a good career, and the ability to continue performing(even if I wasn't doing it for a living any more). At that point in time I was probably the happiest I'd been in my life. I didn't know it at the time, but that would be my peak for the better part of the early 2000's. Within 2 years I had been basically forced into moving to NC, away from my oldest child, was the sole means of support for our family doing a job I HATED, was in an emotionally abusive marriage that was falling to pieces around me, and had a beautiful little boy who was in the process of being diagnosed with a life long developmental disability.
When you have all that happening it makes the whole "I just want to sing and dance!" attitude seem a little frivolous.
So I put all that on the back burner. I did V-Day, which was really wonderful, and for a cause that I strongly believe in, but from a musical theater geek standpoint, it was kind of like being given an appetizer and then being told the kitchen is closed. I would drive around singing along with Broadway cast albums, get up at Open Mic nights, do karaoke, but it just wasn't the same. I got cast in a play last year, but had to give the part up because of an asinine bid for custody on Waytts fathers part.
It's not that I resent having to stop performing - the reality is that Wyatts needs had to come ahead of mine, that's the deal you make when you become a parent. So I took care of him, went back to school so I could earn more and provide for him better, bought a house because I wanted him to have a real home, and stayed in my marriage to Tim for probably a year longer than I should have because I didn't want Wyatt to be without stability (A stupid decision on my part, I'M his stability, I know that now).
But I'm past that now - Wy's doing wonderfully, John has started on his own career path and is also doing really well, I have a job that I love, I've got a Grove that is a second family to me, and I'm finally back to performing again.
My home is peaceful, my children are happy, and I FINALLY get to FULLY satisfy my creative appetite.
I'm going to put my fingers in my ears now, so when the shit hits the fan I won't hear it.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Sunday, June 5, 2011
The Mean Girl Effect
I was reading an article in the NY Times health section the other day on the cliquish behavior of women in assisted living and long term care, the constant re-establishment of a Jr High level of pecking order, and the bullying and cruelty that goes along with that behavior. It's something that I saw firsthand when I worked in long term care, and apparently it's a serious enough problem that it actually merited a research study.
I don't know that a study was necessary, personally I think they could have just asked my mother - her take on this type of behavior is pretty shrewd. She says that as you get older you just become more of what you already are. So, if you were a bitch and a bully as a kid, and as a young adult, you'll be a bigger bitch and a bigger bully as you become an old lady. If you cling to a small crowd that thinks and acts like you because that's where you get your security from, you'll continue to do that for the rest of your life.
The article stuck with me mainly because of what's been going on at Circle of Moms in the faith based blogging category. A few of the Christian bloggers started acting VERY un Christ like over the fact that Pagan bloggers were nominated for top 25 faith based blogs. Several of them got their saintly white panties in a bunch over the fact that Witches and Heathens and Druids (Oh My!) DARED to write about their faith! They called out the Christian Soldiers to try and keep ONLY Christian blogs in the top 25.
Of course we Witches and Heathens and Druids (Oh My!) responded in the only possible appropriate way. We outvoted the crap out of them. As of right now the top 25 Faith Based blogs by mothers contains 11 Pagan blogs, and #26,27,and 28 are all by pagan women as well!
The reason I connected this article to what was happening on the blog contest was the fact that there was such a sense of entitlement from the Christian bloggers, or at least a few of them. They had this overt attitude of "You don't belong in our club, you can't sit at our table", and that attitude wasn't reserved just for the pagan blogs, it was for anyone that didn't fit into their little clique, Jewish, Muslim, anyone. It was the online equivalent of the catty bunch of cheerleaders that sat in the back of the class making fun of the fact that you didn't have the "cool" shoes or the "right" purse.
I hated that shit in High School, and I guess my mother is right, because I hate even more as an adult. The bitchy, catty, "you're not good enough" attitude is just childish, and it comes from an overinflated sense of self importance which is actually a cover for deep seated insecurity. It's that same insecurity that makes these bitches plaster on big fake smiles and air kiss women that they secretly can't stand, because they're afraid if they deviate in any way from what's expected of them by the "right" crowd that they'll be ostracized. So they'll all rally around the head bully who decides which people are the right kind of people, and they'll pick apart anyone who doesn't fit that mold, and they'll secretly hate themselves for being so weak and pathetic, but they'll go along with it anyway.
Mean girls never die, they just learn to bully online.
And that's fine, those of us that were the target of that kind of behavior growing up have (for the most part) learned how to handle it. We've grown, developed our inner strength, built loving honest, stable friendships and relationships, and learned to love ourselves for who we are.
We've also learned how to outvote the bitches - take THAT Mean Girls!
I don't know that a study was necessary, personally I think they could have just asked my mother - her take on this type of behavior is pretty shrewd. She says that as you get older you just become more of what you already are. So, if you were a bitch and a bully as a kid, and as a young adult, you'll be a bigger bitch and a bigger bully as you become an old lady. If you cling to a small crowd that thinks and acts like you because that's where you get your security from, you'll continue to do that for the rest of your life.
The article stuck with me mainly because of what's been going on at Circle of Moms in the faith based blogging category. A few of the Christian bloggers started acting VERY un Christ like over the fact that Pagan bloggers were nominated for top 25 faith based blogs. Several of them got their saintly white panties in a bunch over the fact that Witches and Heathens and Druids (Oh My!) DARED to write about their faith! They called out the Christian Soldiers to try and keep ONLY Christian blogs in the top 25.
Of course we Witches and Heathens and Druids (Oh My!) responded in the only possible appropriate way. We outvoted the crap out of them. As of right now the top 25 Faith Based blogs by mothers contains 11 Pagan blogs, and #26,27,and 28 are all by pagan women as well!
The reason I connected this article to what was happening on the blog contest was the fact that there was such a sense of entitlement from the Christian bloggers, or at least a few of them. They had this overt attitude of "You don't belong in our club, you can't sit at our table", and that attitude wasn't reserved just for the pagan blogs, it was for anyone that didn't fit into their little clique, Jewish, Muslim, anyone. It was the online equivalent of the catty bunch of cheerleaders that sat in the back of the class making fun of the fact that you didn't have the "cool" shoes or the "right" purse.
I hated that shit in High School, and I guess my mother is right, because I hate even more as an adult. The bitchy, catty, "you're not good enough" attitude is just childish, and it comes from an overinflated sense of self importance which is actually a cover for deep seated insecurity. It's that same insecurity that makes these bitches plaster on big fake smiles and air kiss women that they secretly can't stand, because they're afraid if they deviate in any way from what's expected of them by the "right" crowd that they'll be ostracized. So they'll all rally around the head bully who decides which people are the right kind of people, and they'll pick apart anyone who doesn't fit that mold, and they'll secretly hate themselves for being so weak and pathetic, but they'll go along with it anyway.
Mean girls never die, they just learn to bully online.
And that's fine, those of us that were the target of that kind of behavior growing up have (for the most part) learned how to handle it. We've grown, developed our inner strength, built loving honest, stable friendships and relationships, and learned to love ourselves for who we are.
We've also learned how to outvote the bitches - take THAT Mean Girls!
Friday, May 27, 2011
Is this REALLY a mental wellness blog? Well...
Yeah, in many ways it is! A friend of mine just joked with me that me writing a wellness blog would be like her (a Jewish Redhead) writing a Black womans blog. I know she was kidding, and it was a really funny comment, but it got me thinking that the people who read this page may not have had access to some of the writing from my old blog, when I was in the process of dealing with the end of a marriage, having been cheated on, and working through an episode of major depression. So, in order to justify my status in Circle of Moms Mental Wellness blogs list, here's some of the writing I've done on a few things in that catagory.
On depression and loss
On self esteem and relationships
On surviving major life changes
On the challenges of raising a child with autism
On being in the moment
You see what I do there? I'm a crafty little devil - I reel you in with humor and slip a little lesson in there when you're not looking! So yes, I feel justified in classifying this as a mental wellness blog!
On depression and loss
On self esteem and relationships
On surviving major life changes
On the challenges of raising a child with autism
On being in the moment
You see what I do there? I'm a crafty little devil - I reel you in with humor and slip a little lesson in there when you're not looking! So yes, I feel justified in classifying this as a mental wellness blog!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Let's see how many projects I can juggle at one time...
If you see my Facebook page then you know by now that I've started writing on autism and parenting for Examiner.com. This isn't something new, I've been writing on what it's like to parent an autistic child since Wyatt was about 3, and I try to pass on links and local info to people who can use it, but this is on a bigger scale. Examiner is a pretty big site, and their writers come up fairly high on the list of Google searches of their subjects, plus I get paid for doing this!
I'm also starting rehearsal this week for Pump Boys and Dinettes at Winston Salem Theater Alliance in July. It's my first musical in over 10 years, it's a great role, and i can't wait to get started working on it.
my last little new project is adding my name to the list of candidates for top 25 mental wellness blogs on Circle of Moms. Why mental wellness? Because writing this blog (sporadic as I can be) is part of what keeps me sane! I've added a button to the page so if you want, you can vote for me! C'mon - how cool would it be to have a blog called Suburban Chicken as a top mental wellness blog?
So why do I take on so many things at one time? Really, is my life not just finally settling down after years of school and busting my tush to get Wyatt on track developmentally, academically and behaviorally? What is it in my nature that makes me need to have at least 3 pans in the fire at all times? Am I desperately trying to make up for the fact that most of my high school career was spent cutting gym class, smoking in the bathroom, ducking out for liquid lunches or hanging out in the Choir room?
Nah, probably not, I had WAY too much fun doing all that to actually regret it.
I think that part of why I take on so many things is that I've spent so many of the past years focused on taking care of everyone elses needs. Now that I have time free to do things that are just for me, there's so many that I want to do that I can't choose just one, I want the whole damn buffet!
I'm probably going to have to pick and choose a little more carefully, but for now I'm pretty happy with what's on my plate.
I'm also starting rehearsal this week for Pump Boys and Dinettes at Winston Salem Theater Alliance in July. It's my first musical in over 10 years, it's a great role, and i can't wait to get started working on it.
my last little new project is adding my name to the list of candidates for top 25 mental wellness blogs on Circle of Moms. Why mental wellness? Because writing this blog (sporadic as I can be) is part of what keeps me sane! I've added a button to the page so if you want, you can vote for me! C'mon - how cool would it be to have a blog called Suburban Chicken as a top mental wellness blog?
So why do I take on so many things at one time? Really, is my life not just finally settling down after years of school and busting my tush to get Wyatt on track developmentally, academically and behaviorally? What is it in my nature that makes me need to have at least 3 pans in the fire at all times? Am I desperately trying to make up for the fact that most of my high school career was spent cutting gym class, smoking in the bathroom, ducking out for liquid lunches or hanging out in the Choir room?
Nah, probably not, I had WAY too much fun doing all that to actually regret it.
I think that part of why I take on so many things is that I've spent so many of the past years focused on taking care of everyone elses needs. Now that I have time free to do things that are just for me, there's so many that I want to do that I can't choose just one, I want the whole damn buffet!
I'm probably going to have to pick and choose a little more carefully, but for now I'm pretty happy with what's on my plate.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Really, I mean it, this time the blog is going to post!
OK so you're all familiar with my pathetic attempt to post a blog from work earlier today. I tried, really I did, but our IE5 browser and our 3 gerbil powered server prevented me from filling the last 2 hours of my work day with a lively blog posting. But I'm home now, so that's no longer an issue.
So, as I attempted to say earlier - Yes, I'm posting another autism related blog. What, did you think you'd get through autism awareness month with just one blog posting from me?! Oh no, no, no my darlings, you've obviously forgotten who you're dealing with.
On Wednesday night my father and I attended a discussion on autistic adults acting as their own advocates. The discussion was sponsored by iCan house, which is a place for autistic kids and adults to go for social interaction groups and activities. It's a wonderful idea, and something I'd love to have Wyatt involved in, but at over $200 a month for their after school program, and over $300 a week for their summer day camps it's just WAY more than I (and most other families) can afford. But, their lectures are free, so I can go and pick up some knowledge, and hopefully apply it to meeting Wyatts needs.
So, Dad (who is always willing to learn something new to help Wy) and I went, listened to some really amazing young adults talk about living with Autism/Aspergers, and about how they learned to stand up for, and advocate for themselves. I got to ask them what was the most difficult thing about Jr high/High School for them and how they dealt with it, and I got a little peek at what Wyatt will be like in his late 20's. One of the men who was there was in his late 20's. he works at a local grocery store, and also at a local community college in the computer lab. Of all of the panelists, he reminded me most of Wy, in terms of his level of social functioning and his verbal skills. One of the things that most impressed me about him was how aware he was of what the difficulties of his Apergers were. He was very much aware of the fact that he had difficulty recognizing subtleties in facial expressions, and that he didn't understand sarcasm. These are both things that Wyatt struggles with as well.
By hearing this man talk about how he learned that these were things he would always have trouble with, it helped me realize that I was going to have to start working with Wy to help him recognize the areas that he struggles with.
One of the things that I think is always going to be a challenge is teaching Wy what he DOESN'T get. That's a really difficult thing to do. How do you teach someone who is color blind that there are colors that they don't see? How do you get someone who is tone deaf to understand that there are notes they don't hear? How do I help my little boy understand that there are rules to a game that he doesn't even know is being played, and that the game he doesn't know is going to be part of every aspect of his life for the next 6 years of school and beyond?
I listened to these young adults talk about how difficult school was for them, and it was as if I was living out the lyrics to "Killing Me Softly". Been there, done that, don't want it for either of my boys. But of course, we don't always get a vote when it comes to the things our kids will have to go through. So I gathered what I could from what these people had to say, and tucked it into my arsenal of weapons I'm going to pass along to the boy when he has need of them.
It doesn't seem like much of an arsenal - the whole "I have trouble understanding subtle facial expressions" arrow seems kind of dull when you shoot it out against the terrifying dragon of pre-adolescent scorn. But I know that Wy is a pretty confident kid. As one of his teachers said at his IEP meeting "Wyatt knows exactly who he is, and he really likes himself". So I have to hope that at least some degree of that follows him into the bog of hormones and insecurity he's about to wade in to next school year.
Of all the challenges I've faced with Wyatt over the last 8 years since he was diagnosed, none has frightened me more than him entering adolescence. It's looming on the horizon now, and I'm still scared, but I think we're both ready to face it. It's good to know that there are people who have come through the other side, and are happy and well adjusted, in spite of (or maybe because of) the difficulties they've come up against.
So, as I attempted to say earlier - Yes, I'm posting another autism related blog. What, did you think you'd get through autism awareness month with just one blog posting from me?! Oh no, no, no my darlings, you've obviously forgotten who you're dealing with.
On Wednesday night my father and I attended a discussion on autistic adults acting as their own advocates. The discussion was sponsored by iCan house, which is a place for autistic kids and adults to go for social interaction groups and activities. It's a wonderful idea, and something I'd love to have Wyatt involved in, but at over $200 a month for their after school program, and over $300 a week for their summer day camps it's just WAY more than I (and most other families) can afford. But, their lectures are free, so I can go and pick up some knowledge, and hopefully apply it to meeting Wyatts needs.
So, Dad (who is always willing to learn something new to help Wy) and I went, listened to some really amazing young adults talk about living with Autism/Aspergers, and about how they learned to stand up for, and advocate for themselves. I got to ask them what was the most difficult thing about Jr high/High School for them and how they dealt with it, and I got a little peek at what Wyatt will be like in his late 20's. One of the men who was there was in his late 20's. he works at a local grocery store, and also at a local community college in the computer lab. Of all of the panelists, he reminded me most of Wy, in terms of his level of social functioning and his verbal skills. One of the things that most impressed me about him was how aware he was of what the difficulties of his Apergers were. He was very much aware of the fact that he had difficulty recognizing subtleties in facial expressions, and that he didn't understand sarcasm. These are both things that Wyatt struggles with as well.
By hearing this man talk about how he learned that these were things he would always have trouble with, it helped me realize that I was going to have to start working with Wy to help him recognize the areas that he struggles with.
One of the things that I think is always going to be a challenge is teaching Wy what he DOESN'T get. That's a really difficult thing to do. How do you teach someone who is color blind that there are colors that they don't see? How do you get someone who is tone deaf to understand that there are notes they don't hear? How do I help my little boy understand that there are rules to a game that he doesn't even know is being played, and that the game he doesn't know is going to be part of every aspect of his life for the next 6 years of school and beyond?
I listened to these young adults talk about how difficult school was for them, and it was as if I was living out the lyrics to "Killing Me Softly". Been there, done that, don't want it for either of my boys. But of course, we don't always get a vote when it comes to the things our kids will have to go through. So I gathered what I could from what these people had to say, and tucked it into my arsenal of weapons I'm going to pass along to the boy when he has need of them.
It doesn't seem like much of an arsenal - the whole "I have trouble understanding subtle facial expressions" arrow seems kind of dull when you shoot it out against the terrifying dragon of pre-adolescent scorn. But I know that Wy is a pretty confident kid. As one of his teachers said at his IEP meeting "Wyatt knows exactly who he is, and he really likes himself". So I have to hope that at least some degree of that follows him into the bog of hormones and insecurity he's about to wade in to next school year.
Of all the challenges I've faced with Wyatt over the last 8 years since he was diagnosed, none has frightened me more than him entering adolescence. It's looming on the horizon now, and I'm still scared, but I think we're both ready to face it. It's good to know that there are people who have come through the other side, and are happy and well adjusted, in spite of (or maybe because of) the difficulties they've come up against.
Friday, April 1, 2011
What I've learned in the last 8 years...
For those of you that don't know, today marks the begining of Autism awareness month. It's nice that once a year the media throws a spotlight on autism, really, it is. I don't resent attention being paid, even it's only for a brief period. (OK, I do resent when the attention is paid to sensationalistic, panic inducing, non-scientific crap like the vaccine/autism garbage, but still...) I think that raising awareness of the challenges that autistic individuals and their families face is a good thing. Increased funding for early intervention programs and special education would be better, but hey, I'll take what I can get.
So, for the next 30 days there'll be a steep learning curve, people will be flooded with information, and sometime around April 30th everyone will move on with their lives until next year, or until Jenny McCarthy publishes another hard bound pile of excrement and starts making the talk show rounds again.
For me though, the learning curve never stops. I've spent the better part of the last decade coping, learning, dealing, and adjusting to living with autism on a daily basis. It's been almost 8 years since I first heard the word autistic applied to my son Wyatt. In the time that's passed since then I've learned a few things - about autism, about parenting, and about life in general.
I've learned:
My child is not defined by his diagnosis - My son is an amazing kid : he's funny, affectionate, smart, sensitive, and very quirky. Most people who meet him for the first time don't realize he's autistic, they just think he's a little "odd". He's not cold or emotionless or withdrawn, he doesn't rock or headbang or self injure. He's not Rainman. He's not "An Autistic". He's just a 10 year old boy who who happens to have a brain that works differently that most peoples.
Don't believe everything you read - The amount of pure dee grade A crapola information that's out there about autism is STAGGERING. Really, there is so much bad science and flat out lies about how to best help your child that it's astonishing. If I had believed everything I ever read about autism I would have done one of the following: 1)stripped every non-natural item out of my home/pantry/closets/toyboxes, moved into a hole in the ground, breastfed him until he was 15, and only let him play with rocks and small clumps of unfertilized grass. 2) Realized that my life was now only going to be devoted to caring for a child incapable of loving me back or ever being the slightest bit independant, and started drinking heavily while posting incessently on mommy message boards about how the vaccine companies did this to my kid. 3) Taken a full on Greg Lougenis worthy dive into Mommy Martyrdom, given up everything in my life that wasn't centered around my kid (all while looking fabulous in a perfectly co-ordinated J Crew ensemble), and waited patiently for the 2 hour long Lifetime Movie "A Mothers Martyrdom" starring Valerie Bertanelli to be made about me.
Obviously I didn't do any of that. Instead, I focused my attention on learning everything I could from reputable sources (peer reviewed, well researched, evidence based sources), put the things I'd learned into practice with Wyatt on a daily basis, and we got on with our lives.
Keep your sense of humor, you're going to need it! - Being able to see the humor in Wyatts quirks is what's kept me from falling apart. Some day it's the ONLY thing that's kept me from falling apart. Parenting a kid who doesn't fit into the mold of whats considered normal is never easy, especially when your kid looks fine. I've written more than a few blogs about the dirty looks I've gotten from people when his behavior hasn't matched up with what his appearance leads people to expect of him. The best way I've found to deal with this is to laugh - at myself, at him, at the absurdity of the situation. If I can laugh at something, I can deal with it, and Wyatts learing the same thing. And dammit, he's a funny kid! Really - how many other kids do you know that read peoples name badges and call them by their name? Or eat Catsup like its soup? Or decide they're in love with a belly dancing troupe and invite them all over to his grandparents house? See? He's funny!
Flexibilty is essential - I learned a long time ago that I was going to have to be able to adapt to Wyatts needs, because he couldn't adapt to mine. It was much easier for me to take the extra 30 seconds to let him jump up and down in front of the automatic door, than to deal with the 45 minute long meltdown that would happen if I tried to rush him through it. That doesn't mean that he ALWYS gets his way, I'm not raising Charlie Sheen here. But when I can be flexible with him, I choose to do it, because I know that in the long run, it's just easier on both of us.
Pick your battles - My kid lives on crap food. I know this, and I accept it. My kid has to be the one to open the door at the store, he doesn't want anyone to hold it for him. I'm fine with that. My kid has to ride the elevators at the mall in the same sequence, we have to take the long way home from school every other day so he can see his favorite car wash, we have to get a reciept when we pay credit at the gas pump, and his Sprite can never have ice in it. I can deal with that. I have bigger fish to fry with him than making him give up routines that are safe and reassuring to him. Fish like keeping him working on grade level, teaching him that he can't kiss girls at school like Shrek kisses Fiona, helping him realize that you need to wait until you're actually IN the bathroom before you pull your pants down. You know, little stuff like that. So I pick and choose what battles I'm going to fight, and I try not to lose sleep over the rest of it.
Never take anything for grantedI think the most important thing I've learned over the last 8 years is that your life can change in a heartbeat. Everything that you believe is true and solid can be turned on its' ear, and you'll never see it coming, so the best thing that you can do is appreciate what you have, right here and right now.
OK, that's enough of me lecturing.
So, for the next 30 days there'll be a steep learning curve, people will be flooded with information, and sometime around April 30th everyone will move on with their lives until next year, or until Jenny McCarthy publishes another hard bound pile of excrement and starts making the talk show rounds again.
For me though, the learning curve never stops. I've spent the better part of the last decade coping, learning, dealing, and adjusting to living with autism on a daily basis. It's been almost 8 years since I first heard the word autistic applied to my son Wyatt. In the time that's passed since then I've learned a few things - about autism, about parenting, and about life in general.
I've learned:
My child is not defined by his diagnosis - My son is an amazing kid : he's funny, affectionate, smart, sensitive, and very quirky. Most people who meet him for the first time don't realize he's autistic, they just think he's a little "odd". He's not cold or emotionless or withdrawn, he doesn't rock or headbang or self injure. He's not Rainman. He's not "An Autistic". He's just a 10 year old boy who who happens to have a brain that works differently that most peoples.
Don't believe everything you read - The amount of pure dee grade A crapola information that's out there about autism is STAGGERING. Really, there is so much bad science and flat out lies about how to best help your child that it's astonishing. If I had believed everything I ever read about autism I would have done one of the following: 1)stripped every non-natural item out of my home/pantry/closets/toyboxes, moved into a hole in the ground, breastfed him until he was 15, and only let him play with rocks and small clumps of unfertilized grass. 2) Realized that my life was now only going to be devoted to caring for a child incapable of loving me back or ever being the slightest bit independant, and started drinking heavily while posting incessently on mommy message boards about how the vaccine companies did this to my kid. 3) Taken a full on Greg Lougenis worthy dive into Mommy Martyrdom, given up everything in my life that wasn't centered around my kid (all while looking fabulous in a perfectly co-ordinated J Crew ensemble), and waited patiently for the 2 hour long Lifetime Movie "A Mothers Martyrdom" starring Valerie Bertanelli to be made about me.
Obviously I didn't do any of that. Instead, I focused my attention on learning everything I could from reputable sources (peer reviewed, well researched, evidence based sources), put the things I'd learned into practice with Wyatt on a daily basis, and we got on with our lives.
Keep your sense of humor, you're going to need it! - Being able to see the humor in Wyatts quirks is what's kept me from falling apart. Some day it's the ONLY thing that's kept me from falling apart. Parenting a kid who doesn't fit into the mold of whats considered normal is never easy, especially when your kid looks fine. I've written more than a few blogs about the dirty looks I've gotten from people when his behavior hasn't matched up with what his appearance leads people to expect of him. The best way I've found to deal with this is to laugh - at myself, at him, at the absurdity of the situation. If I can laugh at something, I can deal with it, and Wyatts learing the same thing. And dammit, he's a funny kid! Really - how many other kids do you know that read peoples name badges and call them by their name? Or eat Catsup like its soup? Or decide they're in love with a belly dancing troupe and invite them all over to his grandparents house? See? He's funny!
Flexibilty is essential - I learned a long time ago that I was going to have to be able to adapt to Wyatts needs, because he couldn't adapt to mine. It was much easier for me to take the extra 30 seconds to let him jump up and down in front of the automatic door, than to deal with the 45 minute long meltdown that would happen if I tried to rush him through it. That doesn't mean that he ALWYS gets his way, I'm not raising Charlie Sheen here. But when I can be flexible with him, I choose to do it, because I know that in the long run, it's just easier on both of us.
Pick your battles - My kid lives on crap food. I know this, and I accept it. My kid has to be the one to open the door at the store, he doesn't want anyone to hold it for him. I'm fine with that. My kid has to ride the elevators at the mall in the same sequence, we have to take the long way home from school every other day so he can see his favorite car wash, we have to get a reciept when we pay credit at the gas pump, and his Sprite can never have ice in it. I can deal with that. I have bigger fish to fry with him than making him give up routines that are safe and reassuring to him. Fish like keeping him working on grade level, teaching him that he can't kiss girls at school like Shrek kisses Fiona, helping him realize that you need to wait until you're actually IN the bathroom before you pull your pants down. You know, little stuff like that. So I pick and choose what battles I'm going to fight, and I try not to lose sleep over the rest of it.
Never take anything for grantedI think the most important thing I've learned over the last 8 years is that your life can change in a heartbeat. Everything that you believe is true and solid can be turned on its' ear, and you'll never see it coming, so the best thing that you can do is appreciate what you have, right here and right now.
OK, that's enough of me lecturing.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Polevaulting to conclusions.
I have a pet peeve. OK, I have multiple pet peeves; people who don't use their turn signal, old ladies who write checks in the express checkout line, the vast majority of Pop music, but for today I'm going to stick to just one.
The peeve that's got me all ramped up today is alarmist blogs, specifically those that pertain to autism. Even more specifically, those that take scholarly research articles, skim them for the most frightening phrases and then draw full blown, terrifying conclusions from tiny unrelated pieces of information.
I was reading a blog on Autism Key today, written by Susan Moffitt. The blog is titled "Shocking Study Links Brain Erosion To Antipsychotics". You can read it for yourself here. The blog was based on a research article published in the Archives of General Psychiatry.
Here's the problem I have with Ms Moffitts conclusions - she uses this research to claim that (and I'm cutting and pasting directly from her blog)
"Long-term use of antipsychotics must be stopped and their use on the still developing brains of children should be banned. There can be no justification for giving antipsychotics to someone who is not even psychotic."
First of all, calling for a complete ban on the long term use of antipsychotic medication is ridiculous. These medications, when used appropriately, allow people with schizophrenia and bipolar disorder to get relief from their symptoms, hold down jobs, stay out of jail or hospitals, and in many cases, function as productive members of their communities.I know this because I see it every day. I've seen clients come in psychotic, trapped in the paranoia and delusions that are caused by their unbalanced brain chemistry, and I've seen them emerge from that state after being properly medicated.
Ms Moffitt doesn't seem to understand that psychosis is a SYMPTOM of a mental disorder, not a disorder in and of itself. A patient can be suffering from a disorder that predisposes them to psychosis without currently being in a psychotic state.
The bigger issue with this blog of Ms Moffitts is that she's using the findings from this research to support her belief that the brain shrinkage that was observed over time is a valid reason to eliminate the use of an entire class of medications. That's not what this study states at all. This is a quote from the abstract of the research study -
"Viewed together with data from animal studies, our study suggests that antipsychotics have a subtle but measurable influence on brain tissue loss over time, suggesting the importance of careful risk-benefit review of dosage and duration of treatment as well as their off-label use. (Italics are mine
Did you catch that? The study suggests - not concludes, not proves, SUGGESTS. The sample size for this study was 211 patients with schizophrenia - that's a VERY small sample size. The patients had MRI scans begining at the onset of their illness and at different times over a 14 year period. The study did attempt to control for other potential variables that could have caused loss of brain tissue over time, but again, this was a very small sample size, consisting of only schizophrenic clients. The study does seem to indicate that there's a need for further investigation, and it also indicates that the level of dosage has an impact on the amount of brain tissue loss, but it certianly does not provide a basis for banning all antipsychotic medications.
Ms Moffitt does raise some valid points in her blog - antipsychotic use in children has skyrocketed over the past decade, and Medicaid does pay a higher rate of reimbusment for medication than it does for individual therapy. As the parent of a child with autism I'm strongly opposed to the use of medication to manage behavior issues. I think (and research backs me up on this) that behavioral modification is far more effective in the long term than medication, and I'm opposed to subjecting a developing brain to chemical alteration.
That being said, I still feel that Ms Moffitt has no business calling for the elimination of all antipsychotics based on her (rather weak) interpretation of a small research study that doesn't state any concrete conclusions.
She reminds me of someone.....hmmm, who could it be....Oh yeah - Jenny McCarthy.
The peeve that's got me all ramped up today is alarmist blogs, specifically those that pertain to autism. Even more specifically, those that take scholarly research articles, skim them for the most frightening phrases and then draw full blown, terrifying conclusions from tiny unrelated pieces of information.
I was reading a blog on Autism Key today, written by Susan Moffitt. The blog is titled "Shocking Study Links Brain Erosion To Antipsychotics". You can read it for yourself here. The blog was based on a research article published in the Archives of General Psychiatry.
Here's the problem I have with Ms Moffitts conclusions - she uses this research to claim that (and I'm cutting and pasting directly from her blog)
"Long-term use of antipsychotics must be stopped and their use on the still developing brains of children should be banned. There can be no justification for giving antipsychotics to someone who is not even psychotic."
First of all, calling for a complete ban on the long term use of antipsychotic medication is ridiculous. These medications, when used appropriately, allow people with schizophrenia and bipolar disorder to get relief from their symptoms, hold down jobs, stay out of jail or hospitals, and in many cases, function as productive members of their communities.I know this because I see it every day. I've seen clients come in psychotic, trapped in the paranoia and delusions that are caused by their unbalanced brain chemistry, and I've seen them emerge from that state after being properly medicated.
Ms Moffitt doesn't seem to understand that psychosis is a SYMPTOM of a mental disorder, not a disorder in and of itself. A patient can be suffering from a disorder that predisposes them to psychosis without currently being in a psychotic state.
The bigger issue with this blog of Ms Moffitts is that she's using the findings from this research to support her belief that the brain shrinkage that was observed over time is a valid reason to eliminate the use of an entire class of medications. That's not what this study states at all. This is a quote from the abstract of the research study -
"Viewed together with data from animal studies, our study suggests that antipsychotics have a subtle but measurable influence on brain tissue loss over time, suggesting the importance of careful risk-benefit review of dosage and duration of treatment as well as their off-label use. (Italics are mine
Did you catch that? The study suggests - not concludes, not proves, SUGGESTS. The sample size for this study was 211 patients with schizophrenia - that's a VERY small sample size. The patients had MRI scans begining at the onset of their illness and at different times over a 14 year period. The study did attempt to control for other potential variables that could have caused loss of brain tissue over time, but again, this was a very small sample size, consisting of only schizophrenic clients. The study does seem to indicate that there's a need for further investigation, and it also indicates that the level of dosage has an impact on the amount of brain tissue loss, but it certianly does not provide a basis for banning all antipsychotic medications.
Ms Moffitt does raise some valid points in her blog - antipsychotic use in children has skyrocketed over the past decade, and Medicaid does pay a higher rate of reimbusment for medication than it does for individual therapy. As the parent of a child with autism I'm strongly opposed to the use of medication to manage behavior issues. I think (and research backs me up on this) that behavioral modification is far more effective in the long term than medication, and I'm opposed to subjecting a developing brain to chemical alteration.
That being said, I still feel that Ms Moffitt has no business calling for the elimination of all antipsychotics based on her (rather weak) interpretation of a small research study that doesn't state any concrete conclusions.
She reminds me of someone.....hmmm, who could it be....Oh yeah - Jenny McCarthy.
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