(This is a piece I wrote for my Freshman Comp class back in 2004. My instructor submitted it for the Freshman Writing Contest that year and it won in the Expository Writing category. I just found it sitting in a drawer and realized I've never posted this, and the paper copy is the only one I have, so I'm putting it up here. Because we all know whatever you post on the interwebs stays there forever.)
How to Change a Toddlers Diaper
1) Assemble the necessary changing supplies: Diaper, wipes, DVD episode of Blues Clues, a sippy cup of juice, toy cars, stuffed animal and a change of clothes (for you)
2) Locate the toddler. If unable to locate the toddler try looking in the following places: the laundry pile, under the bed or inside the refrigerator.
3) Once the toddler is located, transfer him to the designated changing area, preferably someplace with a television. This may take several attempts.
4)Turn on the television, and place the DVD in the player.
5) Remove the DVD as the toddler screams "WANT A DIFFERENT BLUES CLUES!!!"
6) Locate the desired DVD and place it in the DVD player.
7)Remove the DVD as the toddler screams "NO BLUES CLUES, WANT ELMO!!!"
8) Locate the Elmo DVD, scrape the crusted up Gummy Bear off it and place it in the DVD player.
9) Place the toddler on his back and remove the old diaper.
10) Get up, chase the half naked toddler, pick him up and return him to the designated changing area.
11) Repeat step 10
12) Repeat step 10
13) Repeat step 10
14)Hand the toddler a bag of Gummi Bears and the juice cup.
15) Wipe the toddlers bottom from front to back with the baby wipes and begin to apply the clean diaper placing the tabs in the back so that the toddler cannot remove the diaper without assistance.
16) Remove the Gummi Bears from your hair that the toddler placed there during step 15.
17) Now that the Gummi Bears are gone, hand the toddler the toy car.
18) Remind yourself to apply ice to the toy car induced lump on your head.
19) Repeat step 10
20) Finish applying the clean diaper to the toddler. (Reminder - be sure to place the tabs facing the toddlers back to prevent the toddler from removing the diaper without assistance)
21) Allow the toddler to return to playing.
22) Look down at your clothing - note the juice stains and Gummi Bear smudges. Silently pray that the smear on your blouse is chocolate.
23) Realize that the smear is not chocolate.
24) Change your clothing
25) Attempt to locate the toddler again.
26) While attempting to locate the toddler, pick up the clean diaper that the toddler has removed without assistance.
27) Repeat steps 1-26.
Ok, so when I stop crying from laughing so freakin hard and am able to catch me breath again....I will be posting this to my fb page. OMG ......It is so freaking funny because sadly I know you didn't make this up as I have done the same steps!!!!!! MORE THAN ONCE!!!!
ReplyDeleteI lived every word of this piece. I have the toy truck dents in my skull to prove it.
ReplyDeletehahahahahahahahhaahha
ReplyDelete*breathe*
hahahahahhahahahahaha
* panting *
and people wonder why i never want children!