It's recently come to my attention that there's been a change in the eons old system of astrology that we've all used to guide our lives. Since this change has resulted in confusion, delay, and the collapse of several major world religions, I feel obligated to restore some sense of order and clarity to our now (even more) deeply fucked up world. To this end, I've decided to write my own zodiac, based on my non-existent, substantial lack of knowledge. It is my sincere hope that this system will eventually come to be regarded with the level of awe and worship it so richly deserves.
I'll list the signs, the starting and ending dates, their positive and negative attributes, associated colors and numbers.
1) Fluffy Banderchute ( March 14th to the next Buffy The Vampire Slayer marathon on Logo TV)
Positive attributes: Freckles, minimal armpit hair, a nearly encyclopedic knowledge of Joss Wheadons entire body of work, the ability to sing Happy Birthday in at least 3 languages.
Negative attributes: Occasional acne, a near fanatical aversion to folding laundry, strangely attractive to chickens, public drooling.
Associated Colors and Numbers: Puce and 867-5309
2) Lilith Bearclaw Morning Breath (January 10th of odd numbered years to the next time your car breaks down)
Positive attributes: A complete lack of bedbug infestation in your home, neatly trimmed cuticles, the ability to quote Proust in Latvian, very clean kitchen counters.
Negative attributes: An obsessive desire to mow your lawn at 4am on Sundays, occasional outbursts of the theme song to "Friends", always smells like Taco Bell, a third nipple.
Associated colors and numbers: Tidy Bowl blue, and whatever number of RPM's a dentists drill turns at.
3) Tentacled Freshwater Trout ( Alternating Tuesdays to National Dress Up Your Dog Day)
Positive attributes: The ability to juggle, Bangs that don't do that stupid flippy thing when you forget to blow dry them, a passion for fruit, a complete lack of road rage.
Negative attributes: Always writes checks at the grocery store, is never able to figure out which tooth you're talking about when you tell them they have something stuck in their teeth, still wears Loves Baby Soft cologne in their 40's.
Associated colors and numbers: The color of that bridemaids dress you REALLY hated, a random number from the Dewey Decimal System.
There - I think I've covered everthing you'll ever need to know about yourself.