Saturday, February 11, 2012

Pegalish's advice for the lovelorn

Hello my dearies.

Online dating is quite the little adventure, full of potential pitfalls for you poor lonely men out there. Since I have a giving nature, I've decided to share my advice for all you love seeking little Y chromosomal types. (Well, not just for you, Lyn missed a few of these, and my parents aren't on Facebook, but they do read my blog with great enthusiasm, and the occasional cringe)

Take it in boys, live it, learn it, and invite me to the wedding. Just don't expect a gift, this is it.

Pegs Online Dating Tips:
Online dating tip #1 - it's never a good idea to use the word Creeper as part of your dating handle.

Online dating tip #2 - if you're 47 and say you're looking for a woman between 18-58, you're more than a little creepy. That being said, when choosing an online dating handle, feel free to ignore tip #1.

Online dating tip #3 - posting a picture of yourself balancing 2 beer cans in 1 hand while you smoke a cigarette with the other is probably not going to attract the "Good Christian Woman" your headline says you're so desperately seeking.

Online dating tip #4 - if you go on a date with a woman and YOU are the one who says you'd like to see her again, disappearing off the radar for the next 2 days is NOT the way to let her know you're interested!

Online dating tip #5 - Telling a nurse that you needed to call 911 after looking at her picture will immediately make her start imagining any one of a myriad of cardiovascular disorder you could be suffering from. Not a turn on.

Online dating tip #6 - If she hasn't responded to the first 5 messages you sent her, sending a 6th one telling her about your house, vehicles, and a rough estimate of your adjusted gross income probably won't get a response either. If it does, is she really the kind of woman you want?

Online dating tip #7 - Don't say you're looking for a "good woman". Every man out there is looking for a good woman. Be a little creative - say you're looking for a bowlegged ex con with a glass eye. Narrow down your playing field a little.

Online dating tip #8 - don't say you're a musician if you're not. The picture of you holding your guitar upside down is a dead giveaway.

Online dating tip #9 - For the love of God DO NOT quote the Pina Colada song! Listen to the lyrics, the man is reading the personals in bed, looking to cheat on his partner!

Online dating tip # 10 - One word - PICTURE!

Sunday, February 5, 2012

The art of online dating negotiations

If you read my last post (and of course you did, I have a small but loyal following and I love you all for that), you're aware that I've plunged into the online dating pool, which would benefit greatly from a few lifeguards and a generous dose of chlorine.

It's been an interesting experience to say the very least. Good GOD there's a LOT of scary single men out there! I was checking my e-mail today, and got a notice that I'd received a new message, so, curious girl that i am, I checked it.

And here it is: "After looking at many profiles here. I have surmised that you would make the perfect girlfriend for me. When are you available to start a relationship? Please get back to me quickly. We must take advantage of this glorious opportunity as quickly as possible."

I've been puzzling over how one should respond to such a message, and I think I've finally formulated a suitable answer:

Dear __________:

Thank you kindly for your interest in my profile. I'm honored to know that I've managed to meet the exacting standards set by a gentleman of the caliber found on a free online dating site.

Before I can agree to seize this "glorious opportunity" I'm afraid I'll need a bit of clarification of the terms under which I'd be entering into an agreement.

1) Your use of the term relationship is a bit vague, would this be a mutually exclusive partnership, or would I be free to entertain counter offers? Should the opportunity to freelance present itself would I be prevented from doing so by a monogamy agreement of some sort? Would you be willing to be bound by the same terms?

2) The term "perfect girlfriend" is also in need of some refinement. My definition of the "perfect boyfriend" is as follows: 4 star chef with a masters degree in special education and a deep abiding (but not creepy) love of children with autism, possessed of housecleaning talents that would make Martha Stewart orgasm, the ability to say my thighs look like a 17 year olds (without the slightest trace of irony), and able to turn into a cheeseburger and chocolate malted after mind blowing sex (without asking me to make him a sandwich first). I'm sure you have similar such expectations of the "perfect girlfriend", you'll need to be able to clearly define those expectations for me.

3) What specifically do you mean by "glorious opportunity"? The chance to purchase a metal detector at a reduced rate is a glorious opportunity, yet comes with no guarantee that one will stumble across a trove of ancient pirate plunder thereby ensuring complete lifelong financial independence. Are you offering stock options? A 401K? Overtime for doing your laundry? I'm afraid I'll need a bit more information first.

Thank you again for your interest, I look forward to your clarification of terms.