Sunday, February 5, 2012

The art of online dating negotiations

If you read my last post (and of course you did, I have a small but loyal following and I love you all for that), you're aware that I've plunged into the online dating pool, which would benefit greatly from a few lifeguards and a generous dose of chlorine.

It's been an interesting experience to say the very least. Good GOD there's a LOT of scary single men out there! I was checking my e-mail today, and got a notice that I'd received a new message, so, curious girl that i am, I checked it.

And here it is: "After looking at many profiles here. I have surmised that you would make the perfect girlfriend for me. When are you available to start a relationship? Please get back to me quickly. We must take advantage of this glorious opportunity as quickly as possible."

I've been puzzling over how one should respond to such a message, and I think I've finally formulated a suitable answer:

Dear __________:

Thank you kindly for your interest in my profile. I'm honored to know that I've managed to meet the exacting standards set by a gentleman of the caliber found on a free online dating site.

Before I can agree to seize this "glorious opportunity" I'm afraid I'll need a bit of clarification of the terms under which I'd be entering into an agreement.

1) Your use of the term relationship is a bit vague, would this be a mutually exclusive partnership, or would I be free to entertain counter offers? Should the opportunity to freelance present itself would I be prevented from doing so by a monogamy agreement of some sort? Would you be willing to be bound by the same terms?

2) The term "perfect girlfriend" is also in need of some refinement. My definition of the "perfect boyfriend" is as follows: 4 star chef with a masters degree in special education and a deep abiding (but not creepy) love of children with autism, possessed of housecleaning talents that would make Martha Stewart orgasm, the ability to say my thighs look like a 17 year olds (without the slightest trace of irony), and able to turn into a cheeseburger and chocolate malted after mind blowing sex (without asking me to make him a sandwich first). I'm sure you have similar such expectations of the "perfect girlfriend", you'll need to be able to clearly define those expectations for me.

3) What specifically do you mean by "glorious opportunity"? The chance to purchase a metal detector at a reduced rate is a glorious opportunity, yet comes with no guarantee that one will stumble across a trove of ancient pirate plunder thereby ensuring complete lifelong financial independence. Are you offering stock options? A 401K? Overtime for doing your laundry? I'm afraid I'll need a bit more information first.

Thank you again for your interest, I look forward to your clarification of terms.